I wake up regretting the things I’ve have done. I’m filled with guilt, anxiety, fear, but I push myself out of bed. I drink my coffee, and by the time I’ve had a shower, I feel a little better. On my drive to the office, my mind is racing with questions I can’t answer. I turn the radio up louder, but the noise in my head grows stronger. At the office, I see the numbers coming in. The customers are happy, and I feel I’ve conquered the world. I fly through the next ten hours like a bee around flowers! On my drive home, the feelings begin to creep back in. How, at the end of a successful day, can I feel empty? Why, when I’m supposed to be happy, am I sad? I get home and reach for the bottle, knowing tomorrow will be just the same.
The weekend comes and my emotions rise. I go to church, sing my heart out, raise my hands and dance to the music. I can feel the presence of God. I’m in ecstasy. I walk out, fully charged and ready to take on the world. Sunday leads to Monday, and the feelings return. I am, once again, alone in the midst of friends; hungry in the midst of the feast. Why are the weekends so good and the weekdays so bad. maybe I’m confusing emotionalism with spiritualism, so what if there was another way?
I wake up regretting the things I’ve done. Still filled with guilt, anxiety, fear, I’m reminded of who I am … the child of the one who holds my past, present and future. In the midst of present pain and future questions, there seems to be an inner calm that persists. It’s weird, but it’s real. Nothing has changed. My bank account still says zero, my health is waning, I could lose my job at any moment, and I still seem to have habits I am overcoming, but the calm persists. An incredible intimacy that satisfies to the point that even my choices change. I don’t react the same way I used to. I don’t find rest in the same things I used to find rest in.
Suddenly, church bursts forth everywhere I look. It happens during the week. It happens in my home. At the park. At school. In the office. At the airport. The restaurant. I realize I love those who don’t share my beliefs. In fact, I love those who try to push their beliefs on me! Talking about Jesus isn’t an agenda or a vocation anymore. It’s life!
I move from being purpose-driven to person-driven. My purpose is no longer derived from what I do or what I have. I no longer find security in my socio economic status or my bank account. My identity is no longer defined by my achievements or what people think of me. There is a new voice I hear everyday, and it says, “You are my child, and I am your Father.” When the world spins uncontrollably around me, I remain still. When I lie down in bed and close my eyes, there is an embrace of the Father. He is the vine, and I am the branch.
Yes, it is possible to break away from the slavery of religion—even the religion called Christianity—and be free of legalism. Free to love. Free to share. To live in unity. Locations and circumstances no longer define us. Denominations and organizations no longer define us. The journey of Crossruption takes us there, and we have a birthright to experience it…